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Gonzo Lives

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Another Memo From The National Affairs Desk

The following transcript was just provided by The National Affairs Desk after being leaked by a source in the White House. It seems that this is the conversation that kicked off the war in Iraq.

(Initials have been used to protect the Guilty and Stupid.)

GWB: The Defense Department.. Okay, the Defense Department. Hey, where's this Colon?

CP: I am Colin Powell, sir, and I'm prepared to make a full report. These men are consummate snowball artists. They use sensitive nerve gases to induce hallucinations. People think they're seeing WMDs. And they call these bozos who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake electronic light show--

DR: Everything was fine with our system until the story was leaked by no-balls here.

CP: These men tried to cause a war!

GWB: Is this true?

DC: Yes, it's true. This man's balls have retreated to his colon.

[Fighting]

DC: Well, that's what I heard!

GWB: This is the White House. Now what am I gonna do here, Dad? What is this?

GB: (Speakerphone) All I know is that was no light show we saw ten years ago. I've been to war with this guy and this beats the hell out of me.

CR: Iranians and Kurds have been found bleeding. How do you explain that?

KR: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

GWB: Oh, Your Eminence.

KR: How are you, George?

GWB: You're lookin good, Karl. We're in a real fix here. What do you think I should do?

KR: Well, George, officially the party will not take any position on the political implications of these.. phenomena. Personally, George, I think it's a sign from God. But don't quote me on that.

DC: I think that's a smart move, Karl.

GWB: I'm not gonna call a press conference and tell everyone to start praying.

PW: I'm, ah, Paul Wolfowitz, Your Honor. Look, I've only been with the Department for a couple years. I gotta tell you: these things are real. Since I've joined these men, I have seen shit that'll turn you Muslim.

DC: Well you could believe Mr. Balls-in-his-Colon.

CP: My name is Colin.

DC: Or you could accept the fact that the World is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

GWB: What do you mean, biblical?

DR: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. President. Real wrath of God stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky. Rivers and seas boiling.

DC: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes.

PW: The dead rising from the grave!

DC: Human sacrifice. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria!

GWB: Enough! I get the point. What if you're wrong?

DR: If I'm wrong, nothing happens. We pull out the troops and retire. Peacefully, quietly, we'll enjoy it. But if I'm right, and we can stop this thing, George, you will have impressed millions of registered voters.

CP: I don't believe you're seriously considering listening to these men.

GWB: Get him out of here.

[Arguing]

GWB: We got work to do. Now, what do you need from me?

1 Comments:

At 7:38 PM, Blogger me said...

logging in for comments is SUCH a pain in the ass.

nice work with the ghostbusters script tho.

 

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